Aubri Black
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domestic violence

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Abuse

Am I Being Abused?

Are you in an abusive relationship? If you have ever asked yourself this question or wondered if you should ask it, then now is the time to get as much information as possible before you talk yourself out of it. Our instincts can bring us to important questions, but sometimes we are not willing to find the answers. We need to trust our instincts and not ignore any warning signs that something might be wrong. If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, it’s extremely important that you educate yourself on the signs and find out if you are so you can take the appropriate action steps. What you don’t know, can be life-threatening. Abuse starts small and escalates. The escalation usually happens slowly so you get used to a new normal each time something happens and thus are not able to see the severity of the situation you…

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Abuse

3 Essential Books to Help You Understand Abuse

If you want to understand what abuse is like ⁠— for yourself or someone you know ⁠— here are three of the best books I’ve found to start the journey to learn more. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft In his book Lundy Bancroft explains how abusers think and what they do. It’s an essential book to help anyone to recognize if the relationship is controlling and devaluing. There is also helpful advice on how to get free from the abuse and how family and friends can help. If you have ever asked the question, “Why Does He Do That?” then you need to read this book. You will have a far greater understanding of the inner working on abusive men. What you’ll get from this book:• The early warning signs of abuse• The nature of abusive thinking• Myths about abusers• Ten abusive…

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Abuse

How I Started Healing After Domestic Abuse

My healing journey is in progress. I don’t think healing is ever really finished, but progress is wonderful and I have seen it in my life. Here are the ways that I started healing after leaving an abusive marriage (in no particular order). Counselling / Therapy I went to see a trauma-informed/abuse-informed counsellor. It is 100% necessary and important that the person you go to see understands what abuse is like in a relationship. Surprisingly many counsellors are not trained in abuse. Some are given limited information during schooling but they need extra training to understand abuse and trauma to be the most effective and helpful. I found that later on I needed more than talk therapy so I began seeing a therapist who did EMDR. That really sped up my healing. EMDR is a great tool in dealing with trauma. I highly recommend it for anyone. Joined a Support…

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Abuse

How to Identify Things a Domestic Abuse Victim Might Say

Last year I asked people what questions they had for someone who has been in an abusive relationship. Here’s one: “Were there any phrases or statements you made to others while in that relationship that were meant to be a cry for help? What things can we be listening for in others?” Note: I will use he as the pronoun for the abusive person and she as the victim because that was my experience. Unfortunately many women who are in covertly abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused so there might not be an obvious cry for help. Things will be more subtle. The most important thing you can do is educate yourself on the signs of abuse and the mindset of an abusive person. To answer this question I would like to first say that an abusive person will brainwash his spouse in such a sneaky way that…

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Abuse

If My Wounds Were Visible

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD). #ifmywoundswerevisible Narcissistic abuse is hard to see if you don’t know what to look for. It is covert and thrives in silence. Awareness is important. Once you know what this kind of abuse looks like, you can protect yourself. (You can also check to make sure you are treating other people well!) We can’t change anyone else, but we can educate ourselves on what is healthy and what is toxic and choose health. “Narcissistic abuse does not usually include forms of physical abuse with physical signs like bruises. The signs of narcissistic abuse are invisible, which makes it much harder to identify. The abuse is more ambiguous and difficult to prove, but it is no less damaging because it’s a form of spiritual rape. Over time, the abuse chips away at the target’s self-confidence and self-esteem. The target isn’t even aware…

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Abuse

Why I Don’t Like to Call Myself a Wife

I don’t like referring to myself as a wife. Even though I am one (#remarried). I’ve considered adding “wife” to my social media bio, but I can’t bring myself to do it. After leaving an abusive marriage, the thought of ever calling myself a wife was like: hell no. The definition of what a wife is and should be was so convoluted and crazy that I vehemently hated the title. If “wife” meant what the ex said it did, then I wanted nothing to do with it. His version of a wife was someone who was subservient: prepared to obey unquestioningly. Someone who was less important. Someone who did all the household chores. Someone who emotionally supported him in everything he did, but someone he didn’t have to support. Someone who was in the background, so he could stay in the spotlight. Someone who really didn’t matter aside from what…

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Abuse

What Not to Say to Someone in an Abusive Relationship

Abusive relationships are more common than you think; however, many people don’t call them that or don’t know that is what they are. Some find the word abusive too harsh, while others don’t know how to define abuse, to begin with. Some of the things that people said to me once I left an abusive relationship, made me feel judged and criticized in a time when I needed support. I don’t hold it against them though, I know how hard it is to understand. It took me a long time to get it myself. I also know most people meant well. They simply didn’t understand the dynamics that are present in an abusive relationship. Not a lot of people talk about abuse so knowing what it is like and the signs are not common knowledge. Below are the lessons I learned from my own experience, and from times I got…

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Abuse

Dangers of Hero vs. Villain Thinking

HERO VS. VILLAIN THINKING Those who hold an abusive belief system have a certain way of looking at the world. When I say abusive, I am talking about anyone who does what they do to have power and control over someone else. And this behaviour isn’t always obvious. In fact, the belief system they hold can be very subtle. If you don’t share their view of the world, it can be incredibly confusing to try to understand them. Let’s talk about something that abusive people do. They see the world in terms of heroes and villains. In each situation, someone is the hero and some is the villain. No matter what. If you approach someone and they think you are trying to be a hero, that is when they will bite your head off or will attack you for looking at life from your perspective. They will assume the worst.…

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Abuse

Why Jealousy Isn’t Romantic

Jealousy can come across as something that’s desirable in a partner — especially how it is portrayed in certain movies and books. But is it really that romantic? In our culture jealousy is often seen as a normalized behaviour. It’s said that everyone gets jealous because we are human and it just happens. Not always necessarily seen as a good thing, but when things get normalized, those with bad intentions use that to excuse their deplorable behaviour.    When a man uses jealousy as an excuse to have a right to act out in a certain way or worse yet, control you, that is not okay. Jealousy is not a valid reason to treat someone else poorly. Especially if they blame the other person for their own behaviour or say something like: I just love you so much that is why I am acting like this. The good news is…

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Abuse

Why I Hated Valentine’s Day

You know that girl who hates Valentine’s Day because she doesn’t have a movie-version of love in her life? Yeah, that was me. Love is tricky. The word covers so many possible definitions. I love my family. I love my socks. I love foxes. As humans, we are prone to imposing conditions on love. However, conditional love can come at too high a cost — it’s exhausting. Is it possible to keep loving someone who always gives “love” based on conditions? If perfection is a requirement, can anyone achieve that? Is it even really love? Valentine’s Day was a day that came around and reminded me that I considered love to be gifts, chocolate and candy. I’m obsessed with cinnamon hearts and February is the only time I can get them. But he hated cinnamon hearts, wouldn’t be near me even if he just smelt them. (Perhaps, that is why…

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