Abusive relationships are more common than you think; however, many people don’t call them that or don’t know that is what they are. Some find the word abusive too harsh, while others don’t know how to define abuse, to begin with.
Some of the things that people said to me once I left an abusive relationship, made me feel judged and criticized in a time when I needed support. I don’t hold it against them though, I know how hard it is to understand. It took me a long time to get it myself. I also know most people meant well. They simply didn’t understand the dynamics that are present in an abusive relationship. Not a lot of people talk about abuse so knowing what it is like and the signs are not common knowledge.
Below are the lessons I learned from my own experience, and from times I got it wrong and wasn’t helpful to others.
If someone opens up to you and lets you know they’ve been in or are currently in an abusive relationship, here are some things not to say.
Don’t ask: “Did he hit you?” “Was he violent?” “Why did you stay?” “Why don’t you just leave?”
These questions are not important for you to know in order to care about someone else. What someone is looking for when they open up to you are support and empathy. You don’t need to evaluate the kind of abuse. There are twelve different forms and physical is only one. If violence is present, the person will tell you if they feel safe to. Simply listen to what they are saying, and care about the person.
Don’t say: “I understand what you are going through.” or “I know how you feel.”
Because you don’t. Even if you have been in an abusive relationship, your experience was different. Abuse is complicated and nuanced and layered. As humans, we’ve all experienced hurt in some way. Instead of saying you understand, you can empathize with the emotions the person is feeling.
Don’t say: “At least _____(fill in the blank).”
I didn’t like it when people said: “At least you didn’t have kids.” Yes, that is true. I thought that as well, but when it was fresh, someone saying that minimized the other pain I was going through. It felt equivalent to saying, “It could have been worse.” And that’s not a helpful phrase when you have experienced a lot of hurt, betrayal, and are healing from abuse.
Don’t give advice.
You know that thought that seems the most obvious for you to say in the moment? The person you are talking to, has probably already of thought that, and there is a good reason they are not doing it. The first thing you think of to say to someone isn’t always the best thing.
From the outside, everything looks easier than it is. You don’t know the ins and outs of the relationship so giving advice can actually be dangerous. It’s best to leave that to professionals. If the person asks for advice than you can give an opinion, but assure them the decision is theirs whatever they choose. Each person is the expert on their own life. Listening to and creating space for someone to talk is still your main priority.
Things you can say:
- “I’m here for you.”
- “That sounds really hard.”
- “I’m sorry you are going through this.”
- “Is there anything I can do to be of help?”
Being in an abusive relationship is hard, and so is the process of healing from one. Be patient. Listen. Care. Your love and support are needed more than you know, and it won’t go unnoticed.
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