Last year I asked people what questions they had for someone who has been in an abusive relationship. Here’s one:
“Were there any phrases or statements you made to others while in that relationship that were meant to be a cry for help? What things can we be listening for in others?”
Note: I will use he as the pronoun for the abusive person and she as the victim because that was my experience.
Unfortunately many women who are in covertly abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused so there might not be an obvious cry for help. Things will be more subtle. The most important thing you can do is educate yourself on the signs of abuse and the mindset of an abusive person.
To answer this question I would like to first say that an abusive person will brainwash his spouse in such a sneaky way that she will lose her confidence, her sense of worth, and start to doubt herself. She will no longer see her intrinsic value but she will likely be unable to pinpoint why. Watch out for this, that will be your number one sign that something is wrong. (This particular brainwashing is a necessary step for the abuser so he can assert his power and control. As she slowly starts to become less and he becomes more, she becomes easier to control and he gains more power.)
“I have to do everything.”
She will basically do everything in the relationship from cleaning to cooking to laundry to childminding, etc. Her partner might pitch in from time to time and go through bursts of helpful behaviour, but for the most part, the to-do list lopsidedly falls consistently to her. The spouse always has a good excuse for why this time they aren’t helping because their default is to do as little as possible unless it is something they want to do.
“I’m sorry.”
She might apologize excessively about anything and everything. She apologizes sometimes for random things that she doesn’t need to apologize for. It’s almost like she is apologizing for simply existing. She also might make excuses and apologize for her partner’s inappropriate, weird, or harmful behaviour. He creates an environment where she is responsible and to blame for many things that are not her responsibility and not her fault.
“I don’t have any friends.”
She doesn’t have many (if any) friends or family around her. She is isolated from people. It is only the two of them and their kid or kids (if they have them) and possibly his family. She may be in contact with friends and family but in close proximity, there is no one she can turn to. All her people are far away. This means that he only has to be on his best behaviour when they come to visit. Without close outside support, he can maintain more power in the relationship.
“I don’t know.”
Over time she will begin to lose her ability to know what she thinks about something. In her house there is a right way to think and it is his way, not hers. She could be so unsure or overwhelmed by trying to figure out what is the “right” way to think about something that she ends up simply saying “I don’t know” as a way to deal with those intense emotions. She may have lost the ability to think on her own about certain things. She’s not always allowed to have an opinion (unless he allows her to have one). The correct opinion is whatever he says it is and that can change randomly and rapidly depending on the day.
“I think I’m depressed.”
She might be sad/depressed/lonely and constantly be having a hard time but she doesn’t know why. Because she doesn’t have the support she needs, and she is unable to receive that support, this lack can lead to all or some of those emotions and a decline in mental health. Things that might be hard for someone else seem impossible for her because she does not have the emotional support she needs.
“I’m sorry I can’t come. I’m not feeling well.”
She might be sick more often than normal. This could be actual sickness or she might be using it as an excuse. She might say this to miss activities or work. It could be her anxiety and the stress of her home life making it hard for her to participate in the outside world. She makes the excuse that she is sick to avoid the emotional energy that it takes to be around people.
“I can’t say that to him. He won’t understand.”
If she has to wait for the right time to talk to her spouse because she is afraid and doesn’t want to upset him, that’s a red flag. There might be certain topics that she is not allowed to discuss and certain things that she might want to say but can’t because she fears his reaction, doesn’t want to be questioned relentlessly, knows he won’t listen, etc. The conversation becomes not worth the emotional energy because of what she will have to do to get him to possibly understand when it’s likely he still won’t.
“I feel like he’s not listening to me.”
This connects with the point before it and comes down to respect. Since she is with an abusive partner, she experiences constant disrespect. He does not cherish or respect her. He doesn’t see a need to listen to her or care about her thoughts, opinions, or feelings unless it is somehow beneficial to him. Sometimes he may listen, but when it comes to big issues, she will likely comment that she is not being heard. He may “listen” only to counter with how he thinks it should be or shut down the conversation completely.
“He criticizes the way I ______”
Fill in the blank with: act in public, dress, spend money, think, express myself, etc. She might question herself because of this and she might be confused. She might see herself as different than how others see her because of her partner’s criticisms. If she seems to be receiving a lot more criticism than kindness, more negativity than positivity from her spouse that is a red flag that something is wrong.
“I’m having trouble sleeping.”
She might be more tired than usual. She might have insomnia. She might mention an inability to sleep for an unexplained reason. She might talk you about how she’s been having disturbing nightmares. He might be keeping her up late at night to argue or do tasks for him.
“I’m not smart enough.”
Victims are always brainwashed to think that they are unintelligent. They often feel stupid. They for sure feel dumber than their spouse. This causes them to be unsure of themselves, to have low self-esteem, to stay quiet, to blend into the background. When they are told or covertly made to feel like they are stupid, it causes intellectual harm. Intelligent women end up believing themselves to be dumb when those around them know for a fact that isn’t true. This is done in such a way that she doesn’t know it is happening. Her spouse might tell her, “You are so smart” but in another moment criticize her lack of knowledge about one specific thing. “You didn’t know that?” he’ll say with tone about something that might not even be important or something that is unrealistic for her to know in the first place.
You might not hear these exact statements, but you can understand the ideas behind them. You can also pick up on these things from stories you hear about the relationship. If you notice these signs, encourage the person to get professional help. Encourage them to find that help from someone who understands abuse (has training in it) and is impartial aka someone who is NOT seeing the potentially abusive partner as well. *Read that sentence again it’s crucial*
It is always best to encourage help rather than to diagnose the situation yourself. The presence of some of these things could be other issues and not abuse. This list is simply a starting point in identifying what an abuse victim might say.
Further helpful reading:
Is someone you know being abused? (pamphlet from the BC Government)
You Can Know the Warning Signs That Someone is Being Abused (Public Legal Education and Information Service of New Brunswick)
Top Warning Signs of Domestic Abuse (verywellmind.com)
Domestic Violence and Abuse (HelpGuide)
If you’ve been in an abusive relationship, can you relate to these? What would you add to this list?
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