Aubri Black
Category

Abuse

Category
Abuse

Am I Being Abused?

Are you in an abusive relationship? If you have ever asked yourself this question or wondered if you should ask it, then now is the time to get as much information as possible before you talk yourself out of it. Our instincts can bring us to important questions, but sometimes we are not willing to find the answers. We need to trust our instincts and not ignore any warning signs that something might be wrong. If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, it’s extremely important that you educate yourself on the signs and find out if you are so you can take the appropriate action steps. What you don’t know, can be life-threatening. Abuse starts small and escalates. The escalation usually happens slowly so you get used to a new normal each time something happens and thus are not able to see the severity of the situation you…

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Abuse

3 Essential Books to Help You Understand Abuse

If you want to understand what abuse is like ⁠— for yourself or someone you know ⁠— here are three of the best books I’ve found to start the journey to learn more. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft In his book Lundy Bancroft explains how abusers think and what they do. It’s an essential book to help anyone to recognize if the relationship is controlling and devaluing. There is also helpful advice on how to get free from the abuse and how family and friends can help. If you have ever asked the question, “Why Does He Do That?” then you need to read this book. You will have a far greater understanding of the inner working on abusive men. What you’ll get from this book:• The early warning signs of abuse• The nature of abusive thinking• Myths about abusers• Ten abusive…

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Abuse

How I Started Healing After Domestic Abuse

My healing journey is in progress. I don’t think healing is ever really finished, but progress is wonderful and I have seen it in my life. Here are the ways that I started healing after leaving an abusive marriage (in no particular order). Counselling / Therapy I went to see a trauma-informed/abuse-informed counsellor. It is 100% necessary and important that the person you go to see understands what abuse is like in a relationship. Surprisingly many counsellors are not trained in abuse. Some are given limited information during schooling but they need extra training to understand abuse and trauma to be the most effective and helpful. I found that later on I needed more than talk therapy so I began seeing a therapist who did EMDR. That really sped up my healing. EMDR is a great tool in dealing with trauma. I highly recommend it for anyone. Joined a Support…

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Abuse

How to Identify Things a Domestic Abuse Victim Might Say

Last year I asked people what questions they had for someone who has been in an abusive relationship. Here’s one: “Were there any phrases or statements you made to others while in that relationship that were meant to be a cry for help? What things can we be listening for in others?” Note: I will use he as the pronoun for the abusive person and she as the victim because that was my experience. Unfortunately many women who are in covertly abusive relationships don’t know they are being abused so there might not be an obvious cry for help. Things will be more subtle. The most important thing you can do is educate yourself on the signs of abuse and the mindset of an abusive person. To answer this question I would like to first say that an abusive person will brainwash his spouse in such a sneaky way that…

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Abuse

If My Wounds Were Visible

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD). #ifmywoundswerevisible Narcissistic abuse is hard to see if you don’t know what to look for. It is covert and thrives in silence. Awareness is important. Once you know what this kind of abuse looks like, you can protect yourself. (You can also check to make sure you are treating other people well!) We can’t change anyone else, but we can educate ourselves on what is healthy and what is toxic and choose health. “Narcissistic abuse does not usually include forms of physical abuse with physical signs like bruises. The signs of narcissistic abuse are invisible, which makes it much harder to identify. The abuse is more ambiguous and difficult to prove, but it is no less damaging because it’s a form of spiritual rape. Over time, the abuse chips away at the target’s self-confidence and self-esteem. The target isn’t even aware…

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Abuse

Warning Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Did you know that abuse happens in Christian relationships at the same rate as non-Christian relationships? Sometimes young women think that if they date and marry a Christian guy, he will be “safe” but that is not statistically true. Did you know that abuse takes many forms? Here are some warning signs:  Discouraging you from seeing friends or pursuing your own interests Pushing sexual activity beyond your comfort level Being jealous of other relationships Withdrawing and being emotionally cold and distant Attacking your ideas and opinions Saying you are “crazy” Intimidating you Throwing things Driving recklessly or angrily with you in the car Putting you down or calling you names Commenting about your weight Belittling you, making fun of you, being sarcastic If you have experienced any of these abusive or controlling behaviours from your partner, be concerned and talk to someone you can trust. For more information: whenlovehurts.ca. *The…

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Abuse

Why I Don’t Like to Call Myself a Wife

I don’t like referring to myself as a wife. Even though I am one (#remarried). I’ve considered adding “wife” to my social media bio, but I can’t bring myself to do it. After leaving an abusive marriage, the thought of ever calling myself a wife was like: hell no. The definition of what a wife is and should be was so convoluted and crazy that I vehemently hated the title. If “wife” meant what the ex said it did, then I wanted nothing to do with it. His version of a wife was someone who was subservient: prepared to obey unquestioningly. Someone who was less important. Someone who did all the household chores. Someone who emotionally supported him in everything he did, but someone he didn’t have to support. Someone who was in the background, so he could stay in the spotlight. Someone who really didn’t matter aside from what…

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Abuse

What Not to Say to Someone in an Abusive Relationship

Abusive relationships are more common than you think; however, many people don’t call them that or don’t know that is what they are. Some find the word abusive too harsh, while others don’t know how to define abuse, to begin with. Some of the things that people said to me once I left an abusive relationship, made me feel judged and criticized in a time when I needed support. I don’t hold it against them though, I know how hard it is to understand. It took me a long time to get it myself. I also know most people meant well. They simply didn’t understand the dynamics that are present in an abusive relationship. Not a lot of people talk about abuse so knowing what it is like and the signs are not common knowledge. Below are the lessons I learned from my own experience, and from times I got…

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Abuse

Dangers of Hero vs. Villain Thinking

HERO VS. VILLAIN THINKING Those who hold an abusive belief system have a certain way of looking at the world. When I say abusive, I am talking about anyone who does what they do to have power and control over someone else. And this behaviour isn’t always obvious. In fact, the belief system they hold can be very subtle. If you don’t share their view of the world, it can be incredibly confusing to try to understand them. Let’s talk about something that abusive people do. They see the world in terms of heroes and villains. In each situation, someone is the hero and some is the villain. No matter what. If you approach someone and they think you are trying to be a hero, that is when they will bite your head off or will attack you for looking at life from your perspective. They will assume the worst.…

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Abuse

on church and the aftermath #metoo

Possibly the most hurtful part of my sexual assault was the church that failed me in the aftermath. A place that had been my home, people who had professed friendship, kinship, sisterhood, and family left me as so much collateral damage. I get it, I do. I know I wouldn’t shut up about it and it wore on you all. I get it, he denied it and what could you do? Uhhhh, a lot more than the nothing that resulted. A lot more than telling me, it can’t be about what he did, but about how you felt. I’m assuming that you, as a rational blog reader, see how ILLOGICAL that is, right? trauma isn’t so neat as two solid cry fests and then BAM! Healed! It’s just, trauma isn’t so neat as two solid cry fests and then BAM! Healed! It isn’t so neat as ‘write him a letter about…

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