Jealousy can come across as something that’s desirable in a partner — especially how it is portrayed in certain movies and books. But is it really that romantic?
In our culture jealousy is often seen as a normalized behaviour. It’s said that everyone gets jealous because we are human and it just happens. Not always necessarily seen as a good thing, but when things get normalized, those with bad intentions use that to excuse their deplorable behaviour.
When a man uses jealousy as an excuse to have a right to act out in a certain way or worse yet, control you, that is not okay. Jealousy is not a valid reason to treat someone else poorly. Especially if they blame the other person for their own behaviour or say something like: I just love you so much that is why I am acting like this. The good news is you can love someone and be crazy about them without adding jealousy and possessiveness into the mix.
There may be times when you feel jealous, but that doesn’t mean you have to jump to conclusions or act out because of it. That’s when it’s time for a good old-fashioned conversation.
When a man wants to control what you do because of his jealousy than he’s only looking out for himself. In a mutual relationship, you can talk about what would be good for both people and discuss how each person is feeling. Your interactions with others can be a discussion that leads to understanding and calms insecurities rather than an explosion of negative emotions.
Lundy Bancroft talks about the early warning signs that a man will become abusive / probably already is — in his book “Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.” (Excellent read btw) One of the items on his warning signs list is this:
He is possessive.
Possessive jealous behaviour is all about ownership NOT love. It’s about demanding someone’s total attention and love. According to Bancroft, jealous behaviour is actually one of the surest signs that abuse will come (117).
That’s serious. Not something to be ignored or excused.
Jealous behaviour is actually one of the surest signs that abuse will come (117).
“Jealous feelings are not the same as behaviours. A man with some insecurities may naturally feel anxious about your associations with other men, especially ex-partners, and might want some reassurance. But if he indicates that he expects you to give up your freedom to accommodate his jealousy, control is creeping up.” (117) In other words, you shouldn’t have to change your social life to appease his insecurities.
Perhaps at times, it does seem flattering for a guy to be jealous — at least at first. It might seem like he really really likes you. But no matter how it seems, it’s not a positive thing. “A man can be crazy about you without being jealous. Possessiveness shows that he doesn’t love you as an independent human being but rather as a guarded treasure. After a while, you will feel suffocated by his constant vigilance” (118).
Possessiveness directed at you can mean that he only sees you as an object, and not as a person. And that my friends, is a HUGE problem. It’s referred to as dehumanization (the process of depriving a person of positive human qualities), and it is something you do not want in a life partner.
A jealous partner can make you feel like they care deeply about you. So much that they don’t want you giving your heart or time away to anyone else. This can lead to excusing their inappropriate comments and behaviour, even if it makes you feel uncomfortable, because you want to feel cared about. As soon as you find yourself making excuses though, that is a warning sign that something else is likely behind their behaviour.
Jealousy can be a dangerous emotion. It isn’t cute and it isn’t romantic.
Trust your instincts. And if the person you are with is displaying jealous or possessive behaviour, it is time to start asking a whole lot of other questions about their character.
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