How I Started Healing After Domestic Abuse

My healing journey is in progress. I don’t think healing is ever really finished, but progress is wonderful and I have seen it in my life. Here are the ways that I started healing after leaving an abusive marriage (in no particular order).

Counselling / Therapy

I went to see a trauma-informed/abuse-informed counsellor. It is 100% necessary and important that the person you go to see understands what abuse is like in a relationship. Surprisingly many counsellors are not trained in abuse. Some are given limited information during schooling but they need extra training to understand abuse and trauma to be the most effective and helpful.

I found that later on I needed more than talk therapy so I began seeing a therapist who did EMDR. That really sped up my healing. EMDR is a great tool in dealing with trauma. I highly recommend it for anyone.

Joined a Support Group

I joined a women’s support group. The first time I went to a support group though, I wasn’t ready. I could not listen to the other women’s stories without feeling crippling empathy that I did not know how to deal with. I waited until I was further along in my journey and joined a group and found it to be immensely helpful. There’s something healing about realizing you are not alone and being able to share your story and to be understood and not judged.

Grieved and Rebuilt

Grief is a huge part of the healing process and it has been something I have resisted at various points along the way. Grief is uncomfortable and inconvenient. It also doesn’t always let me be. Unresolved grief can pop up in different ways when I’m not expecting it.

There is a cycle that I’m still working through where I move from grieving to rebuilding and back again. The longer I am intentionally moving forward in my healing the shorter the grief part of the cycle is. I check in with myself to see where I am at and that has made a big difference in how I respond to what I am thinking and feeling. Even though it can be messy and complicated, it’s important to take time to grief the losses and there can be a lot of loss at the end of an abusive marriage.

Said Goodbye

Speaking of losses, I had to learn to say goodbye to a lot of things, people, and places. This ties in with grief too. I had to get comfortable with the impermanence of life. I think that’s also just a normal part of maturing. I learned that it is okay to say goodbye. My value doesn’t have to be placed in what I hold onto. I can let go and I’m still me.

Practiced Saying I Feel / I Need

Some days I would rather ignore my feelings than feel them. I’m learning that feelings aren’t good or bad in and of themselves. They are simply a mechanism that indicates something that I need. I still have to practice paying attention to my feelings and wants on a daily basis. I do so by filling in the blanks: I feel _____. Then acknowledging that feeling comes with a need and stating: I need _____.

In the beginning I encountered a lot of denial. I was in denial about everything. After all I had lived that way for years, you cope with abuse through a lot of denial of the truth and the situation. Then I got angry. Anger is an important step in the feeling part of the journey. When you are with an abuser, your anger is denied. It is often seen as unjustified and it can be dangerous to show anger. Feeling that anger and expressing it leads to further healing. Once you have gotten all that anger out, eventually you will move on to the next stage and feel less angry more often.

Read Books / Researched

I became obsessed with learning everything I could about domestic abuse. I still regularly research and learn more. I read books to learn about abuse and its impact and I read books to increase my personal growth. Check out my resource page to find some of the books I recommend.

Jesus

I started a habit of reading my Bible daily. In reading the New Testament I saw Jesus and his life from a new perspective. He understood things that I didn’t realize it would be important for me that he understood. Jesus gets what it is like to be betrayed. He gets what it’s like to experience loss. He gets what it is like to be misunderstood. He gets what it is like to not be believed. In pursuing my relationship with Jesus I’ve found peace, joy, strength, and empathy. I’ve found a place to belong and no matter how alone I feel, I can know that He is there for me. Jesus is the ultimate healer.

Talked to People

I’m a verbal processor so I talked to different people about what I was experiencing and processing. This taught me that there are safe people and not so safe people. I had to learn that lesson the hard way. It’s important to choose safe people to talk to who will be empathetic and understanding. I am thankful to the friends and family I have in my life that are my safe people I can confide in.

Wrote / Journaled

I journaled frequently. I still journal. Eventually I wrote a memoir. Writing helps me to process. It helps me to answer the questions of how I am feeling and what I need. It helps me to process. Writing is freeing and empowering. It’s a great tool in understanding where you are at and also eventually will let you know where you have been when you look back.

Took Responsibility for Myself

No one else can make me start healing or continue to heal. I had to take responsibility for my own healing journey and I still have to remind myself to do that today. I can actually see growth in my life when I take responsibility for who I am and what I’ve done. That doesn’t mean it is not emotionally taxing to take responsibility, it just means it is worth it. The moment we realize that blaming other people or our circumstances for things does not help, we can move forward knowing that we can make changes.

Showed Kindness

Healing isn’t an easy or simple or short journey. I’ve found it’s necessary to remind myself to be kind to myself. I don’t need to be perfect. It is okay if I make mistakes.

A verse that has been my life verse in many ways is: “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” I remind myself of that when things along the healing journey get hard.