Are you in an abusive relationship? If you have ever asked yourself this question or wondered if you should ask it, then now is the time to get as much information as possible before you talk yourself out of it. Our instincts can bring us to important questions, but sometimes we are not willing to find the answers. We need to trust our instincts and not ignore any warning signs that something might be wrong.
If you suspect you are in an abusive relationship, it’s extremely important that you educate yourself on the signs and find out if you are so you can take the appropriate action steps. What you don’t know, can be life-threatening. Abuse starts small and escalates. The escalation usually happens slowly so you get used to a new normal each time something happens and thus are not able to see the severity of the situation you might find yourself in.
Ask Yourself These Questions
In the relationship…
- Do I feel confused?
- Do I often feel misunderstood?
- Do I feel crazy?
- Do I doubt my own memory?
- Do I feel physically unsafe?
- Do I feel emotionally unsafe?
- Do I feel unsupported?
- Do I feel invalidated?
- Do I feel thrown off balance during conversations?
- Do I have a sick feeling in my stomach?
- Do I feel suicidal?
- Do I feel like I want to escape or run away?
- Do I feel unheard? (No matter how I say something or try to explain?)
- Do I feel unliked?
- Do I feel unloved?
- Do I feel disrespected?
- Do I sometimes feel like I’m talking to a brick wall?
- Do I feel neglected?
About Your Partner
- Does my partner have a history of lying?
- Does my partner avoid consequences by excusing behaviour and not taking responsibility?
- Does my partner often assume the worst of me and my intentions?
- Does my partner intentionally do things that I don’t like?
- Does my partner retaliate for any perceived wrong?
- Does my partner do things that confuse me?
- Does my partner have a history of addiction?
- Does my partner pressure me for sex?
- Does it seem like my pain or feelings or needs don’t matter to my partner?
- Does my partner avoid apologizing for anything specific? (Instead just says a blanket “I’m sorry” and expects me to accept that?)
- Does my partner say things that make me feel unseen and stupid?
- Does my partner embarrass me on purpose?
- Does my partner make fun of me in front of others?
- Does my partner blame me or other people for their actions?
- Do my partner’s words regularly not match their actions?
- Do I feel afraid of my partner’s reactions?
- Do I feel like I can’t talk to my partner about certain subjects?
- Do I fear my partner’s judgment and criticism?
- Has my partner had an emotional or physical affair?
- Has my partner hit things around me?
- Has my partner physically harmed me?
- Has my partner ever threatened me?
Now think about how many times you said yes. Did you answer more yes than no? The above list includes some of the feelings commonly felt by victims and some of the behaviours that abusive people exhibit.
One of the reasons abuse is so confusing is that non-abusive people can occasionally do some of these behaviours. The difference is intent and the belief system behind the action. It’s important to know that abuse is a belief system not just a set of behaviours. An important next step is to pay attention to patterns and to analyze your partner’s beliefs about the relationship. Abusers believe they are central in the relationship. They believe they are entitled and deserving of benefits. They think they are superior to you and anyone else.
Because of the nature of abuse and how it slowly increases, many women are not consciously aware of how much danger their lives could be in. That means you might not be aware of how much danger you are in right now. For resources and help across Canada go here. If you’re in the US you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1−800−799−7233.
Someone with an abusive belief system does not do abusive things all the time. That’s another reason why abusive relationships are so confusing. Abuse has many facets. It’s complex. A lot more than can be explained in one blog post. If you suspect you’re in an abusive relationship, please talk to someone who understands and is trained in abuse.
Want more information?
Is This Abuse? Get the facts from the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Are You In An Emotionally Destructive Relationship?
From Leslie Vernick author of The Emotionally Destructive Marriage
Psychopath Test
Take this test to find out if the person you are wondering about is possibly a psychopath
11 Signs You’re The Victim of Narcissistic Abuse
From Self Care Haven for survivors by Shahida Arabi
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