Recently, after a friend texted me asking for some advice, I had a moment. As I was texting my opinion, I realized she already knew the answer. She just needed someone to validate her thoughts and feelings. Here I was trying to come up with the perfect response when all I needed to do was ask the right questions and affirm her.

Not everyone who asks for advice is looking for advice. And those who don’t ask for advice, are definitely not asking for advice. 

But it’s programmed in us to want and need to give advice. As a society, we are super quick to give it. We are quick to offer age-old phrases, quips, clichés to answer complex, and often not trivial, matters. Those lame responses are very minimizing and often inappropriate. I see them on comments online all the time and I hate it.

Particularly I get annoyed with the advice people give women in abusive relationships, especially when they have no idea what they are talking about. The power and control dynamics of abuse make it hard for people on the outside to understand what is going on, why it’s happening, and thus, advice can be dangerous.

There are many complex pieces to someone’s life. Because of that, there is simply no way to ever know everything that someone else is going through, has gone through or will go through. There’s no way to know how all their experiences affect them or how those experiences have changed them.

Therefore, I acknowledge that each person is the expert on their own life.

Rarely are we able to know the inside workings of someone else’s brain and all that goes along with that. Even if I wanted to, I would never have enough time in the day to fully understand or know another person. I can know a lot, but it will never be a complete picture. Likewise, I can share my thoughts with others, but I might not share how those thoughts (or events) make me feel. Without that piece, you wouldn’t know how something (be it mundane or not) might affect me.

In light of this, I’ve decided to work on not giving people advice.

I have many thoughts and opinions. I also like to share those. The concept of not telling people what to do can be hard. Not because I want to control anyone, but because I want to help fix something for someone. My empathy can be helpful, but sometimes it can get in the way and I want to solve someone else’s problems so they don’t have to feel the way they do.

I don’t like it when someone tells me what to do. In fact, I am prone to wanting to do the opposite when someone tells me what I should do.

I appreciate when people are concerned about me. I appreciate thoughtful suggestions. I appreciate when someone shares their opinions. But a “could do” rather than a “should do” goes further with me. I want to apply that to how I interact with others.

The best way to phrase advice for me is when someone says “here is what I did and why it worked.” And they leave the decision to try it or not up to me.

Thoughts on not giving advice:

• It’s not your life. What they do will have a direct impact on them. Some people’s choices might end up affecting you, but you do not have to live out their consequences. They do.
• You don’t know everything. I like to think that I know enough to be helpful, but that’s not always the case.
• You don’t have to fix it. Because you actually can’t. They are in the driver’s seat. You are just a backseat driver who can’t drive their car.
• You can tell people what they “could do,” but avoid “should do.”
• When you suggest something to someone, remember that they do not have to listen to you. Try not to be upset if they disregard your suggestion.
• Learn how to help someone come to their own conclusion, separate from others’ thoughts. Ask lots of questions.
• Last, but not least, only give suggestions if you are asked for them.

Of course, it can seem like there are exceptions to the no-advice rule, but at the end of the day, it’s generally best to leave the decision-making to the decision-maker.