Why I’m Trying Not to Freak Out

“The time to relax is when you don’t have time for it.” – Sydney J. Harris

I’m trying not to panic while fending off overwhelm and anxiety by the number of things I need to do in order to launch a book. I feel like I don’t have time or energy or space for anything else, which is probably exactly when I need to take an intentional break.

I’m learning everything about launching a book for the first time. June is getting closer and closer! And I feel like I’m doing nothing and everything at the same time.

One minute I think: I got this. The next? Utter despair.

In some ways, the writing of the book feels easy compared to trying to launch it. Fear is telling me what is the point of any of this, don’t even try. And I want to give up and just pretend I never wrote a book. And the other part of me (that small part that sometimes believes in myself) says you can do this.

The other night I was so overwhelmed I couldn’t think or even breathe… I was near a panic attack. Thankfully—thanks to years of therapy—I was able to use the tools I have to stop it from happening.

I wake up the next morning and thought, okay I got this. No one can stop me. I am launching this book. And then another moment I’m back to: What am I doing? Why would I write a book?! I just want to hide. Writing a book was such a stupid idea.

Needless to say, I am pretty emotionally exhausted from all the feels jumping around in my head.

I never imagined that the road to becoming a published author would look like this. I thought I would feel super confident and great. I thought I would approach it all with uninhibited enthusiasm.

When I was a kid—and dreaming of my future—I didn’t know that I would have to battle anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. All adults have it together, right?! Most days I want to give up and just cry in a corner, holding a cup of tea while watching Netflix.

I do believe in my book though. I want to help others. I want to shine a light on an important topic. I want to raise awareness about abuse. I want people to know that physical violence isn’t the only form of abuse that does permanent and lasting damage. I’m publishing my book because I believe that stories matter. I believe that women’s voices, especially those who have been long silenced, need to be heard. And if I believe that for other people, I need to believe that for myself.

I value honesty and authenticity. I wanted to share where I was at this week. And what is going on for me behind the scenes. Some days I can barely think about anything that I could possibly post on social media or blog about because it’s all too much. There are too many options. Too many things I could be doing.

All I can do is take one moment at a time, and see what happens. All I can do is what I can do and right now, I have no idea what that will be. But I will do my best to get what I need to get done, finished.

For too long I have relied on gaining energy and motivation from other people in my life, I’m learning to get that energy and strength from God instead. He’s much bigger than my fears. Believing in God has not taken away my depression or anxiety, but having Him by my side does make things easier. When I choose to acknowledge that I am loved first and foremost by Him, I’m reminded of my intrinsic worth as the daughter of the King.

I am going to do my best to say, I can do this every time I hear the opposite of it’s too much and none of this matters. It does matter. My story matters. Just like yours does. I can do hard things. I will keep showing up, even if I have no idea what I am doing.