The Great Pumpkin Depression

When a pumpkin spice latte doesn’t make you feel better… perhaps something is wrong.

There are a lot of people who are excited about fall. But this year, I’m not one of them. The long nights and the rainy days, the gloomy cloudy rainy dark days and nights: fall begins them all.

I don’t completely hate this time of year. I like the colder nights, snuggling up with a giant fuzzy blanket and a bunch of pillows. I like everything pumpkin. I do sometimes like the excuse to stay in and not feel guilty because it’s raining.

I however struggle with depression and the weather affects me. When it isn’t sunny out, I feel less hopeful and less motivated. I wish I could explain this in a way that makes sense to those who don’t know what that is like, but I don’t know that I can. The first day the rain hit and I knew it was the start of the rainy season… I matched the clouds and cried for most of the day. My body was anticipating more bad days and I didn’t want it too, but I couldn’t help it. There are no easy answers or trite phrases that work when it comes to my mental health. It is complicated. I can’t simply turn off my emotions and choose to feel better. Oh how I wish I could.

A very real fear that I will die or someone close to me will die creeps in and attaches itself to me in the fall. This has happened to me for the last three years. Fall is a reminder of some of the most traumatic things that have happened in my life. And that manifests itself in strange ways. This fear is my anxiety talking. Since depression leads to feelings of not wanting to live. (Note: I am not suicidal, haven’t been for awhile now.) Depression and anxiety are all meshed together in my life and mind so it is hard for me to separate them into this is that and that is this.

There are many days when getting out of bed is really hard. Getting out of bed means embracing all I have to do for the day and I’m not ready to start, it is too much and my head spins with a classic “I can’t” chant. In terms of the nervous system this is called freeze mode. It is too much for my brain so my brain shuts off. Who wants their brain to shut off? I don’t. In those moments, it seems impossible to stop.

I’m working towards healing and I have good days and bad days. Healing is not a fast process! And it is frustrating when people think it should be because believe me I am just as frustrated and confused by why it takes so long to heal. Broken bones take a long time to not be broken, and no one gets mad at the person for not healing their leg or arm faster. My brain, my body, my nervous system they are all trying to heal and they are complex. There are millions of layers to sort through.

Good days are wonderful, but also hard and deceptive. They make me think I am all good. I am doing better and I will keep doing better. I have moved past this thing called depression and I’m on the other side. No such luck…a bad day comes and I’m more frustrated because I didn’t see it coming, didn’t think it was possible that it would happen again. And it does.

I can appear fine on the outside or maybe not, it depends. But always in my inside is a constant fight to survive. Fears, doubts, questions, insecurity haunt me and threaten to destroy me on a daily basis. I don’t share my struggles often because I am afraid that people will think I am always negative. I am also afraid they will say something ignorant that will hurt me. I also doubt that anyone wants to listen to me talk about it. When I talk I can also verbally process. Not everyone is up to listen to the processing.

Fall is also a busy season that moves into a busier season. And being busy overwhelms me. I don’t like being over-scheduled, but sometimes it is unavoidable if I want to have a social life as well as accomplish things in life.

This year it was like fall fell with no warning. There was no slow decent into the colder weather just suddenly COLD. RAIN. DARK.

It’s officially the first day of fall today. I know it won’t be an easy journey starting this season. I know there are some good things like Pumpkin Spice lattes, sweaters, reading books and cuddling. I also know it will have it’s hard times. My hope is that despite the bad, I can keep moving towards more good.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It reminds me that there are people out there who care about me, despite the lies in my head telling me no one does.

Sincerely,