narcissistic abuse survivor

Abuse October 10, 2019

3 Essential Books to Help You Understand Abuse

If you want to understand what abuse is like ⁠— for yourself or someone you know ⁠— here are three of the best books I’ve found to start the journey to learn more. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft In his book Lundy Bancroft explains how abusers think and what they do. It’s an essential book to help anyone to recognize if the relationship is controlling and devaluing. There is also helpful advice on how to get free from the abuse and how family and friends can help. If you have ever asked the question, “Why Does He Do That?” then you need to read this book. You will have a far greater understanding of the inner working on abusive men. What you’ll get from this book:• The early warning signs of abuse• The nature of abusive thinking• Myths about abusers• Ten abusive…

Abuse September 27, 2019

How I Started Healing After Domestic Abuse

My healing journey is in progress. I don’t think healing is ever really finished, but progress is wonderful and I have seen it in my life. Here are the ways that I started healing after leaving an abusive marriage (in no particular order). Counselling / Therapy I went to see a trauma-informed/abuse-informed counsellor. It is 100% necessary and important that the person you go to see understands what abuse is like in a relationship. Surprisingly many counsellors are not trained in abuse. Some are given limited information during schooling but they need extra training to understand abuse and trauma to be the most effective and helpful. I found that later on I needed more than talk therapy so I began seeing a therapist who did EMDR. That really sped up my healing. EMDR is a great tool in dealing with trauma. I highly recommend it for anyone. Joined a Support…

Abuse June 1, 2019

If My Wounds Were Visible

June 1st is World Narcissistic Abuse Awareness Day (WNAAD). #ifmywoundswerevisible Narcissistic abuse is hard to see if you don’t know what to look for. It is covert and thrives in silence. Awareness is important. Once you know what this kind of abuse looks like, you can protect yourself. (You can also check to make sure you are treating other people well!) We can’t change anyone else, but we can educate ourselves on what is healthy and what is toxic and choose health. “Narcissistic abuse does not usually include forms of physical abuse with physical signs like bruises. The signs of narcissistic abuse are invisible, which makes it much harder to identify. The abuse is more ambiguous and difficult to prove, but it is no less damaging because it’s a form of spiritual rape. Over time, the abuse chips away at the target’s self-confidence and self-esteem. The target isn’t even aware…

Abuse July 19, 2018

Why I Don’t Like to Call Myself a Wife

I don’t like referring to myself as a wife. Even though I am one (#remarried). I’ve considered adding “wife” to my social media bio, but I can’t bring myself to do it. After leaving an abusive marriage, the thought of ever calling myself a wife was like: hell no. The definition of what a wife is and should be was so convoluted and crazy that I vehemently hated the title. If “wife” meant what the ex said it did, then I wanted nothing to do with it. His version of a wife was someone who was subservient: prepared to obey unquestioningly. Someone who was less important. Someone who did all the household chores. Someone who emotionally supported him in everything he did, but someone he didn’t have to support. Someone who was in the background, so he could stay in the spotlight. Someone who really didn’t matter aside from what…

Abuse February 14, 2017

Why I Hated Valentine’s Day

You know that girl who hates Valentine’s Day because she doesn’t have a movie-version of love in her life? Yeah, that was me. Love is tricky. The word covers so many possible definitions. I love my family. I love my socks. I love foxes. As humans, we are prone to imposing conditions on love. However, conditional love can come at too high a cost — it’s exhausting. Is it possible to keep loving someone who always gives “love” based on conditions? If perfection is a requirement, can anyone achieve that? Is it even really love? Valentine’s Day was a day that came around and reminded me that I considered love to be gifts, chocolate and candy. I’m obsessed with cinnamon hearts and February is the only time I can get them. But he hated cinnamon hearts, wouldn’t be near me even if he just smelt them. (Perhaps, that is why…