Everyone Puts Their Best Self in Someone Else’s Shoes

Internet comments are everywhere. People respond on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, blogs, whatever. If there is a space for comments there will be someone commenting. This is a great way to create a community, find out what others think, see different perspectives and sides. It can be helpful.

However, as we all know comments can also be horrible! The comments that have been driving me the craziest lately (besides ignorant, mean, argumentative, disrespectful comments) are the ones like this:

She should have just done _________.

If I was him, I would have done ________.

Even though those comments annoy me, I do understand why people write them. If it’s a horrible thing someone is describing, we want to distance ourselves. In saying we would not do the same thing as the victim, we can protect ourselves and think the same thing couldn’t possibly happen to us. It can be out of fear, out of judgment, out of whatever. The problem?

Everyone tends to put their best self in someone else’s shoes.

In any situation, you have no idea how you would act until you are actually in it.

Comments are not the place to convince someone of your worldview and to prove that you are right. It’s a place to engage in constructive, helpful, thoughtful, dialogue. Arguing for the sake of arguing is not worth it. However, there are a lot of people who think that it is. The way to shut it down? Don’t engage with them. Don’t give them the other side of an argument.  

Here’s the thing to remember: someone sharing their story, isn’t about you. So you don’t need to comment that you would have been better, done better. Out of your fear or judgment, you can actively or unknowingly shame someone else this way. It is not helpful.

Next time you find yourself wanting to say, I wouldn’t do that…. stop. Are you putting your best self in someone else’s shoes? Can you be empathetic about the story instead? Are you suddenly making someone else’s story about yourself? Are you adding something of value?

I have been in those places, thinking: oh I would not do that. Maybe I wouldn’t. BUT I don’t know that for sure. All I know is that the best version of myself would like to do what I think I would. Until I am in the same scenario as someone else, I will never know for sure what I will do. Why speculate at the expense of (even accidentally) invalidating someone else’s experience and choices?

We all suck at certain things in life. Our stubbornness, our will get in the way. Judging others is so much easier than reaching inside ourselves for some empathy.

The good news? Empathy is a skill and it can be learned. I don’t know about you, but I would prefer someone’s empathy over their judgment any day. I would prefer an attempt at understanding rather than comments telling me they would have acted differently, and therefore what happened to me wouldn’t happen to them.

At the end of the day, many of us are pretty good at criticizing ourselves, we don’t need other people joining in on that. We need more people who remind us that we are not alone and even when we make mistakes, we are still lovable.